As you can see, the title of today's blog is not in Comic Sans (It's in Arial which is still goofy, but slightly less goofy than CS). I love being silly in my creative projects, but I also know a blog is supposed to be candid. If you're looking for a lighthearted story or a laugh, I would go read any blog prior to the one I'm about to write. Speaking of laughter, it really is a beautiful thing. In my opinion, a good laugh can legitimately heal someone. Whenever you laugh hard do you ever notice how that ache you had earlier is gone? Or how a thought worth its weight in cinderblocks is now as light as a feather? I've noticed for sure, but in all honesty the times where I laugh like that are rare. It's actually very difficult for me to have a genuine laugh even when a joke or situation is quite comical. It's like my mind acknowledges the humor and I will squeeze out a "laugh" but I don't actually feel compelled to laugh at all.

There's a lot of things that I don't emotionally feel, and the answer to why is unknown. I'm extremely fortunate beyond measure, there are so many people in my life that are proud of me and the man I've become. However, even after hearing it from my loved ones, I still don't know how it feels to be proud of oneself. I went through not only college, but a very demanding and demeaning program in college, and what did I feel after graduating? Nothing. My family talks about how I should be proud of myself, but the problem is, I don't know how to. It's like the reward system in my psyche is broken, and something's missing. A screw, a Lego piece, a piece of string, whatever the hell is supposed to be there is just not present.

A lot of positive emotions for me are a lot like how I described my experience with laughter earlier. Acknowledged, but not felt and experienced. It's like all the good stuff is there and I can see it, but there's a paywall requesting a currency that doesn't even exist. Meanwhile, all the negative emotions are free forms of shovelware that I get on a daily subscription that I never even signed up for. Mentally and emotionally, I am exausted, and I feel like a robot that's really bad at math. I wake up day to day feeling empty inside like the tin man, and then I get around other people and feel disconnected with an urgent need to isolate myself and recharge my batteries so to speak. I often fear I won't be able to show love to the people that matter to me, because I can't even show love to myself. It's really difficult to love a robotic tin man with obssessive compulsive tendancies.

Life used to not always be like this, I had my struggles before, but I feel like they've only become more complicated since I lost mom. You know what though? I have a hunch that I thrive in complexity, and I also know I'm not fighting this alone. Thank you to all my friends and family that extend love to me, and although I might struggle to reciprocate it, I love you all. It might be a lifelong voyage, but I'm getting out that compass to find what has been missing all this time.